Pippin Eats the Ring
by freelance beatnik
Summary: The title basically sums it up. A spoofy little piece of nonsense about what would happen if Pippin ate the Ring. Hilariousness ensues in three parts. Please R&R.
1. It's not Candy?

Pippin Eats the Ring

By freelance beatnik

Chapter One: It's not Candy?

**Disclaimer:** If I actually owned this I wouldn't need to write fanfiction, now would I?

**Summary:** The title basically sums it up. A spoofy little piece of nonsense about what would happen if Pippin ate the Ring. Hilariousness ensues in three parts. Please R&R.

**Author's Note:** This horrendous little piece of absurdity popped into my head a few minutes before I had to go out for First Aid…and well, the world would probably be a better place if I didn't write this. I just really can't help myself; I've been writing too much serious stuff lately, I figured I'd lighten all that up a little by writing this.

Pippin sat there looking down at the floor, pretending that they weren't actually yelling at him. Alas, but they were yelling at him, and they were doing it very loudly. He turned red when he head his name bellowed by the very familiar voice of Gandalf.

"How in the name of all that is good could you eat the One Ring of Power?" yelled the old wizard.

"Apparently he thought it was candy," answered Merry for him. Pippin sighed; he knew this was not going to end well.

"Candy?" balked Gandalf. "Fool of a Took! How much ring-shaped candy of pure evil do they have in the Shire?"

"I'm sorry, Gandalf. It's just that when I get hungry, everything starts to look like food. I didn't mean to eat the Ring, really I didn't!" said Pippin, looking up at Gandalf pleadingly. "I'll never do it again, I promise!"

"Well, this is all very good and well, that you promise not to do it again," growled Gandalf. "We still face the problem of getting it out of you."

Pippin blanched at the thought of that. He knew Gandalf had no love for him, and would not hesitate to rip him open and fish around in his innards until he found what he was looking for. He was really hoping they could come up with a better solution. He liked his innards right where they were, thank you very much.

"Is my stomach going to turn evil?" asked Pippin, looking concerned. Gandalf just glared at him.

"Yes, it is going to turn evil and it's going to strangle you from the inside out. I have to go find Lord Elrond and see if he has some remedy for this nonsense," Gandalf sighed, and then turned around and stormed out of the room. When they were completely alone, Pippin turned to Merry.

"Is my stomach really going to strangle me from the inside out?" he asked. Merry just gave him one of those looks that may have possibly been exasperation. That or he was hungry; Pippin could never tell.

"Yes, Pippin. Your stomach is going to kill you. I saw a hobbit be killed by his own bowels once. It was a very hideous death. I pity you, cousin," Merry told him, rolling his eyes. Pippin's belly did a flip, and he was not entirely certain if that was because it was evil and trying to kill him or because he was scared half to death. The desperately hoped it was the latter.

"What do you suppose Elrond will do? Do you think that there is some sort of Elvish magic that can help get it out of me?" Pippin asked, suddenly hopeful.

"Possibly. It's either that or we'll all have to wait until it passes," said Merry with a shrug.

"Passes what, Merry?" the younger hobbit asked, his brow furrowing in confusion. Merry just started at him incredulously.

"You're an idiot, Pip."

They sat there in utter silence for many moments, Pippin still confused about what was passing, and Merry too annoyed with his little cousin to say anything. Eventually Merry got up and went over to look out the window, leaving Pippin to swing his feet back and forth silently from his chair. He had done this nearly a dozen times when Gandalf entered the room with Lord Elrond just behind.

"You ate the Ring?" asked Elrond, quirking one extraordinarily large eyebrow in his direction. Pippin nodded sheepishly. "How do you eat the One Ring of Power?"

"He thought it was candy," supplied Merry, for what he figured would probably not be the last time.

"It's made of metal! How did you chew it?" asked Elrond, trying to figure out how a ring could be mistaken for candy by someone who was very nearly thirty years old.

"Forget this nonsense. It doesn't matter how he ate it, just that he did!" yelled Gandalf in frustration. "Lord Elrond, can you get it our of him or not?"

"I actually think I may have just the thing we need," he replied mysteriously.

Pippin gulped. Today was not his day.

**And **so Pippin eats the Ring! Shall he be killed by his evil innards? You'll have to wait until the next part comes. Hope you liked it. Reviews are nice. Thanks.


	2. The Magical Elvish Cure is What?

Pippin Eats the Ring

By freelance beatnik

Chapter Two: The Magical Elvish Cure is What?

**Disclaimer:** If I actually owned this I wouldn't need to write fanfiction, now would I?

**Summary:** The title basically sums it up. A spoofy little piece of nonsense about what would happen if Pippin ate the Ring. Hilariousness ensues in three parts. Please R&R.

**Author's Note:** This horrendous little piece of absurdity popped into my head a few minutes before I had to go out for First Aid…and well, the world would probably be a better place if I didn't write this. I just really can't help myself; I've been writing too much serious stuff lately, I figured I'd lighten all that up a little by writing this.

Pippin could not help but twitch under the scrutinizing gaze of the Lord Elrond. He really didn't want to be cut open by Gandalf, and he was still terrified that his stomach was going to fall under the influence of the Ring and kill him. He was terrified of what Elrond could come up with to get the Ring out of him.

"Yes, I think I know just the thing," Elrond repeated, turning away from him and leaving the room without another word. Gandalf glared at him and he shuddered.

"You had best hope that he has something in his Elvish bag of tricks that can get that Ring out of you, Peregrin Took. If he doesn't, I swear I'll cut it out of you the old fashioned way!" he growled, pacing back and forth through the room as he waited for Elrond to return.

"Does he really have a bag of tricks, Merry?" Pippin asked, looking at his older cousin.

"No, Pip. Stop asking such dumb questions," snapped Merry from his seat by the window.

"But Gandalf said that he did, didn't you, Gandalf?" he asked, turning to the wizard, who had turned to look at him with a very frightening look on his face.

"If you speak again I will turn you into a very ugly toad. Then I will step on you, and when you have been reduced to mush, I will remove the Ring from your slimy remains. Be silent!" barked Gandalf as he resumed pacing. He had made it all the way to the other side of the room when Lord Elrond arrived again, with a good sized phial of a dark colored liquid.

"What's that?" Pippin asked, peering at the phial curiously.

"This is the cure to our little dilemma, young Master Took," replied Elrond, pulling the stopper out of the top of the phial and thrusting it into Pippin's hand. "Please drink this."

"What is it?" Pippin asked, raising the phial up into the light, looking at it this way and that.

"Just drink it, Pip!" urged Merry, who really wished that this ordeal would be over so he wouldn't have to listen to Gandalf yell anymore. Pippin shrugged and drained the phial with a few large gulps. He grimaced when it was all gone and he handed the phial back to Elrond.

"It tasted like prune juice!" said Pippin, frowning as he wiped his hand on his sleeve.

"It was prune juice," replied Elrond.

"The magical Elvish cure for evil Ring eating is prune juice?" asked Merry incredulously.

"Look, just because I'm one of the oldest magical beings on the planet doesn't mean I have to have a spectacular cure for everything! It still works," said Elrond defensively, glaring at Merry.

"You should have made something that tastes better," said Pippin, who was still frowning at the taste of the prune juice.

"You ate the One Ring, Pip. How much worse a taste could you get?" asked Merry, sighing at his little cousin's idiocy. Then, suddenly there was the padding of feet coming from the hall and the next thing anyone knew, Frodo was through the door.

"Pippin! How could you eat it?" screamed Frodo, grabbing the younger hobbit by the shoulders and shaking him violently. "How?"

"I don't know, Frodo! Stop shaking me, I'm sorry, alright?" said Pippin as Frodo still shook him. Finally Gandalf pulled Frodo away and Pippin sighed in relief. "Thank you."

"I thought I'd lost it, and then I go and find out that you've eaten it, of all things. Pippin, how on earth could you eat the One Ring of Power?" Frodo hissed at him, his face turning red with fury.

"He thought it was candy," Merry supplied, yet again.

"Only you, Pippin, could stumble across the one thing powerful enough to destroy the entire world and then eat it. You fool!" Frodo said hysterically. "Now what will we do?"

"I have given him something that will help it pass, so you need not worry yourself Frodo," assured Elrond, laying a hand on his shoulder.

"He gave him prune juice," supplied Merry, earning a quizzical look from Frodo, who just shook his head.

"Pass what?" asked Pippin yet again, earning himself a collective sigh from all present.

"You are an idiot," said Frodo sadly, as he walked out of the room. "Just let me know when you get it out of him."

And with that the rest of them left the room too. And Pippin still didn't know what was passing.

**Alas,** but Pippin is oblivious. There will only be one more chapter after this, which I think is probably for the very best. Hope you found it at least mildly entertaining. Revieeew! Thanks.


	3. So That’s What’s Passing?

Pippin Eats the Ring

By freelance beatnik

Chapter Three: So That's What's Passing?

**Disclaimer:** If I actually owned this I wouldn't need to write fanfiction, now would I?

**Summary:** The title basically sums it up. A spoofy little piece of nonsense about what would happen if Pippin ate the Ring. Hilariousness ensues in three parts. Please R&R.

**Author's Note:** I sort of forgot to write a new author's note for chapter two. So now we have a new one. Thanks go out to kaimelar, Janine, Psalm 136, Bakuscrazdfangrl, bohemianXblackbird, and Badrang3 for their lovely reviews and approval of my psychosis. Anyway, this is the last chapter…huzzah. I think I should write stuff like this more often because it's fun. Any suggestions?

Pippin just stared at the door as everyone left. After drinking Elrond's prune juice, Gandalf had and everyone else had started leaving the room. Just before the door closed though, Gandalf had stuck his head back through the door.

"You aren't allowed to leave this room until it passes," said Gandalf, frowning at him.

"But, Gandalf, I don't..." Pippin started.

"You may not leave this room!" barked Gandalf as he slammed the door shut. Unfortunately for Pippin, he still didn't know what was passing, and so had no idea when he got to leave the room.

"Merry, won't you come in and sit with me?" Pippin asked through the door. He didn't even know if his cousin was still out there, but didn't want to be all by himself.

"No, I'm not coming in there with you!" yelled Merry from the other side of the door.

"Well, than can I come out now, Gandalf?" called Pippin through the door.

"Not until you have the Ring, you fool of a Took!" growled Gandalf from the other side of the door. After some time had passed, Lord Elrond had come in and placed a small and peculiar looking pot down in the middle of the floor, but he left before Pippin could ask him anything.

"Can you at least tell me what's passing?" asked Pippin through the door again. He heard a series of very loud sighs from outside the door.

"Pippin, stop being so dumb," said Merry. Pippin sighed and sat down near one of the windows. He was very, incredibly bored. No one said anything for what seemed like an eternity before Pippin began to feel his stomach churn.

"Gandalf, I don't feel very well," he said through the door.

"Finally!" he heard the wizard say through the door. Pippin groaned again as another wave of sickness hit him.

"Gandalf! I really don't feel so great!" he said again.

"Use the pot, you fool!" said Gandalf, rolling his eyes with frustration. He looked at Merry, who looked at Elrond, who looked at Gandalf. Then nothing happened for a few moments, and none of them could hear anything going on from the inside the room.

"Um, Gandalf? I've got the Ring," said Pippin through the door suddenly.

"At last! The Ring has passed!" said Gandalf, as they went into the room. Pippin was sitting on a chair now, still looking a little unwell.

"The Ring passed? Why could you just say that before?" asked Pippin, looking a bit annoyed.

"We did say that before, Pip. You just didn't get it," said Merry. "Where's the Ring?"

"It's in the pot," said Pippin, pointing at it.

"Well, get it out," said Gandalf angrily. "We don't have all day, Peregrin Took."

"Me get it?" Pippin asked, his eyes going wide. "I'm not sticking my hand in there, it's gross."

And so Gandalf looked at Merry, who looked at Lord Elrond, who looked at Gandalf and no one said anything. Obviously no one wanted to put their hand in there and pull it out.

"You ate it," said Elrond, looking at Pippin accusingly.

"Yes, but he thought it was candy," reminded Merry, again.

"I know! Maybe we should make Frodo get it. It is his Ring, after all," said Pippin, earning himself approving nods from everyone in the room.

And so Frodo would have to stick his hand in there. And Pippin finally knew what was passing.

**That** was mildly unpleasant, but it had to come out somehow. And now Frodo gets to get it. Sounds good to me. I just want to thank everyone who read this, and all of you who have and will review. I still want some ideas for other funny fics, so if you could just drop me a line with any suggestions, I'd love it. Thanks.


End file.
